The Struggle Really, REALLY Is Real....

Let's talk about something that I have been struggling a bit with lately....

Sharing your child....

That shit sucks.

I am a half-time mom to my son. Now, before you go judging that statement, it is definitely NOT by choice. 

I am a half-time mom to my son.

Do you know how hard that is to say when from the second he was born, I was there...ALL the time, everyday, up until his dad & I decided having separate lives was what was best for everyone. 

That means.... I am HALF there for everything. I don't always know things. I don't get to experience some things. I am left out. I am not there to kiss him goodnight, every night. I am not there if he gets hurt. I am not there when he isn't feeling well. I am not there to wake him up each morning. I am not there to tell him to have a good day at school. I am not there to help with his homework or cook him dinner. I am not there to see my son's bright smile everyday. I am not there for a lot. 

I think my heart hurts a little more every time I think about it. And well, today I am thinking HARD about it. 

I am there half of the time. I am the THERE parent when he is with me. I am there Wednesday-Friday...and every other Saturday.

My son lives two lives. He has two families. He has two homes. 

While I am grateful that he has SO many people that love him and care for him daily, it is still hard to choke back tears after I drop him to his dad each and every weekend. I miss him. I miss him too much for half of the week, every week. My biggest fear is continuing to lose that solid MOM feeling. 

He is growing up so fast and is so smart. He knows things. He sees things. He listens. He absorbs things. He is just a kid.

I'll be honest, the guilt hits HARD sometimes. The guilt of not being able to have that solid family for him. It feels like failure most of the time....BUT I hold that back and I pray and I know that things ALWAYS work out how they are supposed to. And I see that more everyday. The most important thing in the world to me is Canyon. He is my baby! He is my whole reason for living. He is the reason I have made it this far. He is my little best friend. And he is so, so happy and taken care of. He is so well-rounded and just amazing.

I guess the struggle comes from having to share that. Having to share the 'Mom' feeling now when I don't want to. I've always been the MOM...the one Canyon wants to tell everything to. The one that goes out of her way for him. I have done all I can do to be the best mom to him. And I continue to do this daily. And now I have someone else doing these things for him when it isn't my 'half.' Some might think, "Wow, you are being so petty." Yes, I am. I am being petty. I am being an overprotective mother as I have always been. He's my son. MY son. He is my pride and joy. He is my life.

**With that being said, I am thankful. I am so thankful that my son has that. I am thankful to this woman that has walked into his life and so selflessly allowed my son into her heart. Only a mother can relate to another mother and only a mother can love someone else's child as their own. Though this is just the beginning of a very long journey, I can only hope that the relationship between this woman and I can be a strong one. I can only hope that a friendship can be built and the memories can be shared. 

Again, I thank you....for all you do when I am not there. And I hope that one day soon, the line of communication will be opened and we can begin the building process of this mom journey...**

What a rough day for me. It's got to be the pregnancy hormones! I'm a mess!

Until next time,

XOXO...
-B