The Struggle Really, REALLY Is Real....

Let's talk about something that I have been struggling a bit with lately....

Sharing your child....

That shit sucks.

I am a half-time mom to my son. Now, before you go judging that statement, it is definitely NOT by choice. 

I am a half-time mom to my son.

Do you know how hard that is to say when from the second he was born, I was there...ALL the time, everyday, up until his dad & I decided having separate lives was what was best for everyone. 

That means.... I am HALF there for everything. I don't always know things. I don't get to experience some things. I am left out. I am not there to kiss him goodnight, every night. I am not there if he gets hurt. I am not there when he isn't feeling well. I am not there to wake him up each morning. I am not there to tell him to have a good day at school. I am not there to help with his homework or cook him dinner. I am not there to see my son's bright smile everyday. I am not there for a lot. 

I think my heart hurts a little more every time I think about it. And well, today I am thinking HARD about it. 

I am there half of the time. I am the THERE parent when he is with me. I am there Wednesday-Friday...and every other Saturday.

My son lives two lives. He has two families. He has two homes. 

While I am grateful that he has SO many people that love him and care for him daily, it is still hard to choke back tears after I drop him to his dad each and every weekend. I miss him. I miss him too much for half of the week, every week. My biggest fear is continuing to lose that solid MOM feeling. 

He is growing up so fast and is so smart. He knows things. He sees things. He listens. He absorbs things. He is just a kid.

I'll be honest, the guilt hits HARD sometimes. The guilt of not being able to have that solid family for him. It feels like failure most of the time....BUT I hold that back and I pray and I know that things ALWAYS work out how they are supposed to. And I see that more everyday. The most important thing in the world to me is Canyon. He is my baby! He is my whole reason for living. He is the reason I have made it this far. He is my little best friend. And he is so, so happy and taken care of. He is so well-rounded and just amazing.

I guess the struggle comes from having to share that. Having to share the 'Mom' feeling now when I don't want to. I've always been the MOM...the one Canyon wants to tell everything to. The one that goes out of her way for him. I have done all I can do to be the best mom to him. And I continue to do this daily. And now I have someone else doing these things for him when it isn't my 'half.' Some might think, "Wow, you are being so petty." Yes, I am. I am being petty. I am being an overprotective mother as I have always been. He's my son. MY son. He is my pride and joy. He is my life.

**With that being said, I am thankful. I am so thankful that my son has that. I am thankful to this woman that has walked into his life and so selflessly allowed my son into her heart. Only a mother can relate to another mother and only a mother can love someone else's child as their own. Though this is just the beginning of a very long journey, I can only hope that the relationship between this woman and I can be a strong one. I can only hope that a friendship can be built and the memories can be shared. 

Again, I thank you....for all you do when I am not there. And I hope that one day soon, the line of communication will be opened and we can begin the building process of this mom journey...**

What a rough day for me. It's got to be the pregnancy hormones! I'm a mess!

Until next time,

XOXO...
-B

32 Weeks.

Happy 32 weeks to baby #zoeyrynn. She is making this Momma have a BIG ole belly but I am so excited that her arrival is so near. We have 8 weeks left (at the most)! With the busy schedules we have, there is no doubt that it will FLY by. I have mostly everything done and ready for her. We still have a few things to get and I need to finish packing all of our bags as well as making a list/plan for when we get home from the hospital for food, etc.

Canyon is doing exceptionally well lately. He had three C's on his interim which he managed to bring up every single one. So, he has all A's & B's now. I am beyond proud of him and I cannot even express the joy I feel knowing he worked so hard to bring those C's up. I'll tell you, private school homework is no joke. We spend hours every night. There is so much information, I don't know how he retains it. I have come up with a system of making our own study guides since we are not provided those. It is so helpful that he has help at my house and help at his dad's to be sure he is doing the best he can. He is a blessed little boy.

We are in the process of finishing up his room and I can't wait....He is getting so big and him having his own "boy" space will be a great thing especially when Zoey gets here.

I have no idea how to believe my heart will stretch big enough to love two kids the same but I know it will. I am such a MOM. I love all things mom and really, my life revolves around Canyon, so I know it will be no different when Zoey arrives.

Things are good. Slow yet busy. Just ready for the holidays!

Pictures to follow on the next blog post & there are a TON.

XOXO,
-B

Tis' October

What up, peeps? It's October which means....I am automatically in a fantastic mood. It did indeed help that when I walked outside this morning, the wind was blowing and it was COOL. You really have no idea how happy that makes me on SO many levels. 

What's new this week? Baby shower was a success.... We didn't get everything we need but we are finishing that up and will be all ready for baby in a few weeks. I cannot believe we have 9 weeks left. NINE....And that's assuming I make it to my due date. We had a checkup yesterday and all is well. I only gained 1lb since my last visit. I am doing pretty damn good on the weight gain this go-round. We got back in two weeks this time....two week visits have begun and in FIVE weeks, we will have our final ultrasound to measure baby...at 36 weeks. I haven't had one since 20 weeks so I'm am borderline crazy with wanting to see her sweet little face.

I'm on the hunt for a BIG BROTHER shirt for my boy. He says he wants BLUE...should be easy, right? HAha....

I bought a new car and TWO days after having it, someone thought it would be a grand idea to run into the back of me. Luckily, the damage is minor...just need my bumper repainted...I am pretty sick over it though. Chalk it up to #hutchinsonluck

Otherwise, all is well....we are finally finishing up Canyon's room...getting him a bigger TV and mounting it on his wall and moving his desk in and he will be set. His room is so cute and cozy...makes me jealous. Our room is filled with baby stuff. Zoey has taken over and she hasn't even arrived yet. 

See ya on the flip side pimpin....



XOXO-
B