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11.02.2015

Let. The. Countdown. BEGIN.....

Well, baby number two will be here at SOME point over the next 30 days.

That's right, thirty days until my due date. 

I have thirty days left of being a mom of ONE. 

My life will never be the same.

Things are changing.

Things are AMAZING.

I am so happy and in love with such an incredible man.

I have a healthy, happy, cute-as-can-be little boy.

And.....I am about to have a daughter.

Wednesday, (1 1/2) days away ...(45 hours and 30 minutes from now), WE HAVE AN ULTRASOUND scheduled. I haven't had one since 20 weeks...

16 weeks without seeing our little princess.... I can't wait.

Bags are packed, car seat is in the back seat of my car, breast pump is ordered, big brother shirt should be here any day.....I am READY.....just need Zoey to finish cooking for a bit longer and then life as we know it will be FOREVER changed....


XOXO,

-B

10.20.2015

The Struggle Really, REALLY Is Real....

Let's talk about something that I have been struggling a bit with lately....

Sharing your child....

That shit sucks.

I am a half-time mom to my son. Now, before you go judging that statement, it is definitely NOT by choice. 

I am a half-time mom to my son.

Do you know how hard that is to say when from the second he was born, I was there...ALL the time, everyday, up until his dad & I decided having separate lives was what was best for everyone. 

That means.... I am HALF there for everything. I don't always know things. I don't get to experience some things. I am left out. I am not there to kiss him goodnight, every night. I am not there if he gets hurt. I am not there when he isn't feeling well. I am not there to wake him up each morning. I am not there to tell him to have a good day at school. I am not there to help with his homework or cook him dinner. I am not there to see my son's bright smile everyday. I am not there for a lot. 

I think my heart hurts a little more every time I think about it. And well, today I am thinking HARD about it. 

I am there half of the time. I am the THERE parent when he is with me. I am there Wednesday-Friday...and every other Saturday.

My son lives two lives. He has two families. He has two homes. 

While I am grateful that he has SO many people that love him and care for him daily, it is still hard to choke back tears after I drop him to his dad each and every weekend. I miss him. I miss him too much for half of the week, every week. My biggest fear is continuing to lose that solid MOM feeling. 

He is growing up so fast and is so smart. He knows things. He sees things. He listens. He absorbs things. He is just a kid.

I'll be honest, the guilt hits HARD sometimes. The guilt of not being able to have that solid family for him. It feels like failure most of the time....BUT I hold that back and I pray and I know that things ALWAYS work out how they are supposed to. And I see that more everyday. The most important thing in the world to me is Canyon. He is my baby! He is my whole reason for living. He is the reason I have made it this far. He is my little best friend. And he is so, so happy and taken care of. He is so well-rounded and just amazing.

I guess the struggle comes from having to share that. Having to share the 'Mom' feeling now when I don't want to. I've always been the MOM...the one Canyon wants to tell everything to. The one that goes out of her way for him. I have done all I can do to be the best mom to him. And I continue to do this daily. And now I have someone else doing these things for him when it isn't my 'half.' Some might think, "Wow, you are being so petty." Yes, I am. I am being petty. I am being an overprotective mother as I have always been. He's my son. MY son. He is my pride and joy. He is my life.

**With that being said, I am thankful. I am so thankful that my son has that. I am thankful to this woman that has walked into his life and so selflessly allowed my son into her heart. Only a mother can relate to another mother and only a mother can love someone else's child as their own. Though this is just the beginning of a very long journey, I can only hope that the relationship between this woman and I can be a strong one. I can only hope that a friendship can be built and the memories can be shared. 

Again, I thank you....for all you do when I am not there. And I hope that one day soon, the line of communication will be opened and we can begin the building process of this mom journey...**

What a rough day for me. It's got to be the pregnancy hormones! I'm a mess!

Until next time,

XOXO...
-B



10.07.2015

32 Weeks.

Happy 32 weeks to baby #zoeyrynn. She is making this Momma have a BIG ole belly but I am so excited that her arrival is so near. We have 8 weeks left (at the most)! With the busy schedules we have, there is no doubt that it will FLY by. I have mostly everything done and ready for her. We still have a few things to get and I need to finish packing all of our bags as well as making a list/plan for when we get home from the hospital for food, etc.

Canyon is doing exceptionally well lately. He had three C's on his interim which he managed to bring up every single one. So, he has all A's & B's now. I am beyond proud of him and I cannot even express the joy I feel knowing he worked so hard to bring those C's up. I'll tell you, private school homework is no joke. We spend hours every night. There is so much information, I don't know how he retains it. I have come up with a system of making our own study guides since we are not provided those. It is so helpful that he has help at my house and help at his dad's to be sure he is doing the best he can. He is a blessed little boy.

We are in the process of finishing up his room and I can't wait....He is getting so big and him having his own "boy" space will be a great thing especially when Zoey gets here.

I have no idea how to believe my heart will stretch big enough to love two kids the same but I know it will. I am such a MOM. I love all things mom and really, my life revolves around Canyon, so I know it will be no different when Zoey arrives.

Things are good. Slow yet busy. Just ready for the holidays!

Pictures to follow on the next blog post & there are a TON.

XOXO,
-B

10.01.2015

Tis' October

What up, peeps? It's October which means....I am automatically in a fantastic mood. It did indeed help that when I walked outside this morning, the wind was blowing and it was COOL. You really have no idea how happy that makes me on SO many levels. 

What's new this week? Baby shower was a success.... We didn't get everything we need but we are finishing that up and will be all ready for baby in a few weeks. I cannot believe we have 9 weeks left. NINE....And that's assuming I make it to my due date. We had a checkup yesterday and all is well. I only gained 1lb since my last visit. I am doing pretty damn good on the weight gain this go-round. We got back in two weeks this time....two week visits have begun and in FIVE weeks, we will have our final ultrasound to measure baby...at 36 weeks. I haven't had one since 20 weeks so I'm am borderline crazy with wanting to see her sweet little face.

I'm on the hunt for a BIG BROTHER shirt for my boy. He says he wants BLUE...should be easy, right? HAha....

I bought a new car and TWO days after having it, someone thought it would be a grand idea to run into the back of me. Luckily, the damage is minor...just need my bumper repainted...I am pretty sick over it though. Chalk it up to #hutchinsonluck

Otherwise, all is well....we are finally finishing up Canyon's room...getting him a bigger TV and mounting it on his wall and moving his desk in and he will be set. His room is so cute and cozy...makes me jealous. Our room is filled with baby stuff. Zoey has taken over and she hasn't even arrived yet. 

See ya on the flip side pimpin....



XOXO-

B

9.23.2015

It's been over a year since I have posted....that's about to change. I am bringing the blog BACK! I'll be posting as much as I possibly can on every little thing going on! Stay tuned for lots and lots of news and PICTURES! We all know I am obsessed with photos....

So, since last year.....

I have an 8-year old third grader who is still just as amazing as he was a year ago. The kid seriously blows my mind. He is so smart and appreciative of everything. Being his mom has been the biggest blessing I could've ever imagined....

AND


WELL


He is going to be a BIG BROTHER.

That's right...I am expecting baby #2 on December 2nd! 


IT'S A GIRL.....#zoeyrynn

I couldn't be more excited. God has some amazing ways of working things out in my life so that I end up exactly where I am meant to be. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be another child's mom. I know that being the best mom I can be to both of my children is why I was placed on this earth. I work hard to be everything to Canyon and I will do the same for Zoey. It's so crazy to think about having two kids.....to think about starting OVER. I mean, it's been 8 1/2 years since I have had a newborn. I think I am definitely more prepared this time but it's still scary as HELL.

Today is the FIRST DAY OF FALL- my absolute FAVORITE time of year. I am already in a good mood even though it is hot as balls outside. I just want my boots, scarves, and pumpkin spice everything.


#pumpkinspiceiseverything


Now, I guess I can fill you in on the amazing man I have in my life these days (I am keeping this one forever--he's my #mce). We started seeing each other at the end of 2014 and things just sort of happened. I know he's my #soulmate (if you believe in that sort of thing). He is amazing. He loves me like I have never felt before. He treats me as if I have always belonged to him. I couldn't ask for more in a man and I cannot wait to see him be a father to our daughter.

Blending a family isn't the easiest thing in the world. It's scary and you always feel some level of guilt. I just know that, no matter what, my son always comes first for his dad and I. We go out of our way to raise him to be a happy, well-rounded child....and we are doing great with that, if I do say so myself. I am so thankful (yes, I say this a lot) for his dad. Being able to co-parent and maintain the relationship he and I have as a friendship means more to me than almost anything. Most people are spending their time bickering or worrying about dumb shit. Not me. When Canyon is with his dad, I know he is happy. He is taken care of. He is learning about life. He is getting so big and is so smart and  yet sometimes, when he asks me questions, his sweet little voice breaks me. He is such a sincere child that worries about everyone else's feelings. It's really the sweetest thing!

I won't really get into much of what his dad has going on....other than he is happy. That's all that really matters to me. He's a great guy and deserves all the happiness. I can definitely see some big, JOINT, family events in our future....Hopefully, that all plays out the right way.

Lots to come over the next few weeks.

I am 30 weeks pregnant today and I won't lie, I am miserable. I mean, I fell asleep in the bathtub last night and woke up in freezing cold water with bubbles in my hair. It's been fun. It's been real...but I need the next few weeks to FLY BY....super ready for the shower this weekend and then, let the NESTING begin....poor boyfriend. 


XOXO,
-B